Celestial Kingdom Now a Subscription-Based Service: Only $99.99/Month
Tithes, tech, and tiered eternal rewards
Before we jump in, I wanted to share that I did a podcast episode with my sister this week, you can check that out right here!:
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a bold move to modernize the Plan of Salvation, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced that entry into the Celestial Kingdom will now be available through a convenient monthly subscription.
The new model, internally dubbed Celestial™, was introduced during a surprise digital devotional titled “Heaven in the Cloud™: Faith, Storage, and Subscription Models,” a 90-minute livestream featuring PowerPoint slides, business casual apostles, and a product demo that concluded with a soft piano version of “If You Could Hie to Kolob.”
Church leaders described the change as “a spirit-led pivot toward scalable exaltation,” emphasizing the importance of aligning celestial doctrine with modern subscription infrastructure. They also confirmed, with smiling clarity, that caffeine is now 'totally fine' and called it 'an inspired revelation, best served over ice with caramel drizzle.'
A New Model for Eternal Glory
According to the church’s newly formed Exaltation Services Division, the base plan—Telestial Basic™—starts at $9.99/month, granting subscribers access to eternal glory, one personalized robe, and limited cloud storage for family history records.
“We’ve prayed about it, we’ve fasted about it, and then we hired a consulting firm,” said Elder Brent F. Paywall, the public face of the initiative. “This is about making heaven more accessible... to those with reliable auto-pay.”
Tiered Salvation: Three Kingdoms, Three Billing Plans
The program includes three subscription tiers, mirroring the traditional kingdoms of glory—but now with more modern pricing:
Telestial Bronze — $19.99/month
Includes inspirational quotes, a basic resurrection, and eternal roommates.
Terrestrial Silver — $59.99/month
Comes with slightly better housing, harp access, and a Temple Recommend Lite™.
Celestial Premium™ — $99.99/month
Offers full exaltation, eternal family syncing, exclusive access to the Kolob Creator Studio™, and early access to the Second Coming.
“We’re not selling salvation,” Elder Paywall clarified. “We’re just monetizing eternal potential.”
Optional Add-Ons for the Sincere, Full Believers
In addition to the core tiers, members can enhance their afterlife experience with optional add-ons:
Polygamy+ Bundle – Includes up to 8 wives and unlocks celestial matchmaking
Heavenly Mother Visibility Pack – Allows brief glimpses of Her on alternate Sundays
General Conference Pro – Skip sustainings and go straight to the women's gossip sessions
All add-ons are available through the updated Gospel Library app or by scanning select QR codes placed near temple recommend desks.
Members React to the Rollout
“Adultery is now available with a subscription. I mean, I don’t recommend it, but it’s nice to know it’s there,” said Derek H., a subscriber from Draper.
“Turns out swinging is okay after all,” added a Relief Society sister who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s called ‘Celestial Flexibility’ now.”
Initial reactions from members have been mixed, ranging from inspired to mildly apocalyptic.
“I’ve been tithing for decades and now I finally know what it was for,” said Kent Walker of Spanish Fork. “It’s like Netflix, but instead of shows, I get kingdoms.”
“I forgot to pay last month,” said Lisa McRae of Boise, “and now half my genealogy file got erased and my sealing record says 'pending approval.'”
Others expressed concern over the accessibility of exaltation for those on fixed incomes, but the Church responded by emphasizing its new “Family Plan,” which allows up to six sealed individuals to share one subscription at a discounted group rate.
Missionary Work Reimagined
As part of the initiative, all full-time missionaries are being retrained as Exaltation Account Executives. Rather than traditional gospel discussions, missionaries now offer onboarding experiences and referral links.
“Conversion rates are up 40%,” said one zone leader in Scottsdale. “Nobody reads the Book of Mormon anymore, but everyone loves the wine at the Church bar.”
Missionaries are also authorized to offer 14-day free trials, “Come Follow Me”-themed merch discounts, and optional subscription counseling for struggling members.
Press and Institutional Support
Church spokespeople also clarified that "giving to the poor isn't as needed anymore, as this subscription passes over all past obligations." Tithing now functions more as a content unlock than a moral imperative.
Apostle Garland warned in a follow-up broadcast that "BYU is now more needed than ever, as financial sustainability could mean the difference in salvation." Following the announcement, BYU’s finance program reported a 40% increase in enrollment, with several courses now cross-listed under "Revelation Accounting."
The rollout has received glowing coverage from affiliated publications:
Deseret News praised the update, calling it “a visionary merger of doctrine and digital strategy.”
LDS Living published a companion article titled “5 Budgeting Tips to Keep You in the Highest Glory (Without Cancelling Hulu).”
BYUtv announced a new reality show: "Celestial or Bust," where contestants compete to retain their subscriptions while living in an old stake center without air conditioning.
Fine Print
All plans auto-renew upon resurrection.
Downgrading may result in loss of sealing privileges.
Apostasy voids warranty.
Glory Points and Spirit Miles™ are non-transferable.
No refunds issued after Final Judgment.
To get your Celestial Certificate, visit CelestialPlans.org or buy an apostle coffee mug from the official Church Gift Shop.
In the meantime, Church officials assure members that while salvation is still free, the user experience just got a whole lot more monetized.*
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